Humorist David Ashton: Trashiest Lion King Ever

The Alameda County fair is back, 99 years strong.

When I was a kid the fair was an event that we would attend every year. I can’t even count the times I’ve walked through those gates and imagined how much better my life would be if I owned a hot tub.

When I was young my family bought a few chickens at the fair, I remember my dad telling me how great fresh eggs would be. My dad built a chicken coop out of wire and scrap wood. The next morning I scampered out to the patio, hoping my new pets had laid me breakfast. Instead the raccoon version of  Jackson Pollack had created his masterpiece in blood and feathers all over our patio.

One year my grandparents took me to the fair, they gave me $20 for rides and food throughout the day, and we made to plans to meet at the end of the night. I quickly spent the money on an invisible dog or an old timey picture of myself in a Daniel Boone hat, or trying to win a small mirror with a Molly Hatchet album cover embossed upon it. With no money and no food, I spent most of the day sitting in front of the Vita-Mix blender booth downing smoothie samples.

In junior high I would go with my awkward friends. Teenage boys in full hormonal bloom are like stalkers with training wheels. We were big game hunters on the midway tracking equally awkward teenaged girls from a distance. I don’t know if we actually ever talked to any girls; I’m sure my haircut and retainer would have made a very favorable impression, though.

By high school we had figured out that our chances were better if we took girls with us to the fair rather than trying to procure them there. Hot summer nights, the sights and sounds of the ride area, funnel cakes and a tribute band. And let’s not forget me throwing up in front of the girls because I went on the Wild Spinning Barf Magnet or some equally atrocious ride. Yeah, that happened.

My son was born in June 1995. Our first official family outing? The 83rd annual Alameda County fair. Picture the trashiest reenactment of the seminal presentation scene from The Lion King: a grizzled, toothless carny scales the crazy, yellow slide built onto the back of a semi-trailer. He shakily holds the young king out to all of the corn-dog wielding attendees. They scream, they stomp their pale legs, (apparently these fair attendees have just discovered shorts.) Maybe it didn’t happen just like that, but it should have.

This week on CVLegends, I asked for memories of the Alameda County Fair. I received great responses. Below you will find a small selection.

“I have two great memories of the Alameda County Fair, the first is of my great grandmother who used to take us to the Fair for the horse races. She would give each of us about $10 and then help up pick horses, once we picked which horse we wanted she would place the bet for us. Most of the time we would all come away with more than the original $10. My other memory is of the having cake and lemonade at the 4H booth in the Young America building (I think that is what it is called) Usually, just before we left we would stop by the booth for cake and terribly sweet lemonade. It was a family tradition. Even to this day, if I go to the Fair, I have to stop by the 4H booth for cake and lemonade. It just isn't a trip to the Fair if I don't!” -Melanie Sweazey-Cleaves

“Went last night..1st stop, fried artichokes..their booth caught on fire,so they will open today..bummer,there is a place called Izzy's in the back that makes a good Brisket sandwich. As far as entertainment, Eddie Money, and I loved Barry Williams, AKA Greg Brady...loved him!” -Mariellen Jessop-Smolik

“Remember the bird call the guy always made it to look so easy to do 101 bird calls? I bought one and after trying for 2 weeks, learned how to make a noise. Then my brother went outside, plucked a blade of grass, held it tight between his thumbs and it made the same sound. I felt so embarrassed!!” -Ray Moore

“Love going every year and try to visit all the exhibits; favorite is the pig races! Have purchased lots of stuff--Shed Shop; ladders, unbreakable china made in France that survived the '89 earthquake (good thing I love the pattern-will never need another) and lots more; about 50 years ago a great uncle took my brother and me to the fair and we went up in a helicopter! I think it was $5 each.” -Theresa Dove King

As always, thank you to all the CVLegends contributors. If you would like to read more of the responses or add your own, please join us at www.facebook.com/CVLegends.

See you at the fair.