Tiger Moms: Three Local Moms Talk Strict Parenting

In a recent online edition of Time magazine, writer Annie Murphy Paul explored the idea of strict parenting in her article, "Tiger Moms: Is Tough Parenting Really the Answer?"

Basing the article on author Amy Chua's memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Paul extracted some jaw-dropping details from Chua about why she chose to raise her children "the Chinese way." (Chua, by the way, went to El Cerrito High School.)

Our new Castro Valley Patch Moms Council recently swapped opinions via e-mail on this topic. Three local moms—Dana Leipold (daughter, 8, and son, 5); Kendra Galordi (daughters 7 and 9, and a stepson, 12), and Sophie Taylor (two sons, 2 and 18)—invite you to join the conversation by leaving your comments below.

Each week, our moms will jump-start a discussion about a different parenting issue. Dads, grandparents, nannies and legal guardians can weigh in, too!

CVP: Are there benefits to being a tiger mom? Or is it just plain wrong?

Dana: I can definitely see Amy Chua's point about some mothers allowing their children to do whatever they want with no boundaries. We've all experienced those moments when we see kids in public places out of control and it appears as though the mother is letting them run wild.

However, I do not think any mother has the right to be a dictator. Chua even admits that she wishes she had not been "so tough" due to her youngest daughter's backlash against her strict ways.

Sophie: There could potentially be benefits to being a tiger mom, in moderation. It’s true that the world is becoming increasingly competitive with highly specialized skills needed to be a successful and productive citizen. Repetition certainly makes you good at whatever task you are trying to master. But do small children have to be deprived of free play in order to master a task?

In the long term, I worry that such extreme expectations will produce kids and young adults who have such high expectations placed on them that they can't cope when they reach limits for what they can humanly accomplish.

Kendra: I was not raised by a tiger mom, and I am not one myself. My sister was self-motivated to succeed and has become a successful executive producer in the film industry, working 16-hour days since her career began. I do not have that in me to push myself to be the best. I am happy with just being happy.

That said, I think there are benefits to holding high expectations, watching your children reach their goals, and showing them that they can achieve more than they think they can.

 
CVP: Do you have a little bit of a tiger mom in you?

Kendra: Not at all. I want to expose my children to many things, while letting them decide what they want to pursue. I want them to enjoy life and to learn how to get through struggles, but I do not push them. Life is supposed to be fun. I enjoy playing as much as they do!

Dana: There are times when I can be strict with my children. I do not allow them to experience too much media, no matter how much they gripe that their friends get to play video games, watch TV shows that I think are inappropriate or go to websites that are too risqué in my in opinion. I make my children read books every day, whether they want to or not. During vacations, my kids have to do work pages to keep up their school learning. Some people might think this is too tough.

Sophie: I would consider myself on the other side of the spectrum of a tiger mom. This is in spite of being enrolled in four weekly activities with my child. They are, however, parent-child interactive. I believe in exposing my child to different things, learning through play and stretching his learning gradually based on his abilities.

CVP: How would you describe your parenting style?

Sophie: My parenting style...hmm, I can't say I've put labels on it, but I like to call it interactive. Learn by doing.

Kendra: I have three children who are all very different. One of my daughters barely has to try to succeed. She does well in school and all of the activities she tries. Another daughter has learning disabilities and struggles in many areas of her life. She loves activities such as sports and Scouts, but is happy just being okay at them.

My son has anxiety but strives to do well in school and loves to learn. He’s...found some activities he enjoys outside of school. He may never be the best at them, but as a parent I will always encourage him to have fun with it.

I’m a busy mom. We are way overbooked with activities. Spending time with friends and family is the most important part of our life.

Dana: I really don't know. I try to gauge what my children need based on the cues they give me. Sometimes that means I have to be tough, sometimes I have to nurture and sometimes I let them get away with things. It really depends on the moment and what is going on. I try to expect them to do what they can based on their age and let them know that no matter what they do, I love them.

CVP: If you saw what was clearly a tiger mom scolding her child in public, how would you react?

Dana: That's a tough one. There is an unspoken rule that mothers should never get involved in the scolding of another woman's child. Every mother knows this; however, I believe that most mothers have the basic instinct to protect a child that is clearly being abused. If I felt that a child was being abused, either verbally or physically, I would immediately intervene by asking if the mother needed to take a breather... If not, I probably wouldn't do anything.

Sophie: I think I would be really uncomfortable seeing a mom scold her child. I think it would break my heart. It would make me wonder if that makes a child try harder (probably the intent), or gradually break their self-confidence and lower their spirits.

Kendra: Whenever I see anyone scold their children, I think many things. First, it makes me realize how strong words are. Second, it makes me think of the times I have scolded my own children. I always use it as an opportunity to check myself and try harder to be more open and loving to my children. Parents are not perfect and neither are our children.

I hate to see a parent put down their child, yet I know I am only seeing one moment in time when I see a parent yelling at their child. It’s quite possible they are having a particularly bad day, just as I have had. But I cannot change another parent, only myself.