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Community Corner

How to Stop Being a Single Mom

Three couples share their stories as Patch tries to answer a question many single moms ask: "How can I meet a man who will be a great dad to the kids I already have?"

Paul Nowak was in uncharted territory when he decided to marry Barbara, now his wife of 33 years.

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When they met, she was already the mother of two girls, ages 2 and 5, and Paul was just 21 years old and childless, understandably at his age.

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“I decided in my heart that I was going to treat them and love them as my own,” Paul said of his soon-to-be-adopted girls, now grown with children of their own. His daughters call him Dad, and their children call him Papa.

“It was a huge deal that, if I was going to marry her, it had to be that way. I didn’t want the kids to be an obstacle; I wanted them to be a good part of us.”

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According to the 2010 U.S. Census, 9 percent of households—close to 13 million families—are headed by single parents, and 80 percent of them are women.

The Paul Nowaks of the world are rare, it seems—and in demand.

The Castro Valley Patch Moms Council, when polled on topics they’d like to pursue, wanted advice on how single moms can find husbands who would also be great dads for the kids they already have.

Patch looked around and found three Castro Valley couples willing to share their stories, which we hoped might uncover useful suggestions for other single moms wanting to tie the knot.

Naturally, these things can’t be generalized, but we discovered some clues that might help women at least screen out non-dad types. They are listed below, with anecdotes and commentary from each of the three couples under each of the four clues.

In all three cases, the couples reported "feeling a spark" or "having chemistry" once they finally went on a date, or sooner. But each couple got off to a slow start, for one reason or another.

None met in bars, which is the stereotypical place that singles imagine themselves meeting a potential partner.

Clue No. 1: He has experience with children.

Paul and Barbara

“I came from a large family,” Paul said. “I had nephews and nieces already, and I was quite family-oriented.”

Barbara tested him out, observing him with her children, particularly when it came to discipline, and decided he had a way with kids. They talked extensively about parenting philosophy and found a lot of agreement.

Kevin and Kendra 

In the case of Kendra and Kevin Frautnick, both were already parents.

“She had the parental knowledge and could relate to having kids,” said Kevin. “And that’s a good foundation to start with.”

“I didn’t want anyone that wasn’t healthy for my kids,” agreed Kendra. “And that was easy for him.”

Steve and Julie

Steve and Julie Ontiveros are the exception to this clue. But Steve had a different type of experience that proved helpful.

“I come from a family of stepparents,” Steve said. “I had my biological parents split up and both were remarried. I got along with both of them, and I think it also taught me about being a stepparent.”

Clue No. 2: You have a common bond with a third entity, an institution that’s personally relevant to each of you.

When Paul first noticed Barbara at church, he found her quite attractive.

“She was really cute,” he said. "And it also turned out that we had so much in common.”

He says their religious faith was the “common denominator” that really drew them together and has helped keep the relationship strong.

For Kendra and Kevin, the common denominator was an online dating service that helped them filter out potential problems before even meeting.

“With eHarmony, you go through a lot of preliminary tests for compatibility,” said Kevin. “It was like a month before we met in person. They pace it pretty well.”

Julie and Steve’s common denominator was high school, but they didn't get together as teens.

“We both had mutual friends, we both went to Castro Valley High in the same graduating class, but we never spoke two words to each other,” Steve said.

Some 10 years later, they met up with mutual friends on a rafting trip down the American River and finally noticed each other, though on that day, too, they still didn’t talk to each other very much.

Clue No. 3: He wants to invest in your children.

Paul said he adopted Barbara's girls at his earliest opportunity.

“I told the [biological] father that, if he let me adopt them, he didn’t have to pay us any more child support. He finally realized that’s the way it was going to be, anyway. Well, I got the best of the deal—two beautiful, loving daughters.”

Kendra and Kevin emphasized the importance of commitment to each other’s children, not just to each other.

Steve also pointed to the importance of inner resolve and self-discipline, “believing in my heart that this was a package deal” and “deciding from a very early stage that I wanted to be a permanent part of Julie and [her daughter’s] life, not just focusing on Julie.”

Steve became involved in his stepdaughter’s school, joining the Parent-Teacher Association and other organizations and activities that she liked.

“Pick something that has to do with your stepchildren’s life and be active,” Steve suggested. “Do something with them that they care about.”

Clue No. 4: He overcomes challenges with patience.

Paul waited a few weeks for Barbara’s divorce to become final before he even dated her. “I was careful to be appropriate,” he said.

She was cautious, having just ended a difficult relationship, but after watching him interact with her children, she became comfortable with the possibility.

Kevin and Kendra’s children, who were ages 1, 3 and 6 when they met, got along right from the start. "They called each other brother and sister from day one," Kendra said.

Kendra's older daughter, the 3-year-old, was close to her biological father and needed time to warm up to Kevin. She was 9 years old when Kevin and Kendra married in May this year.

Julie and Steve dated for more than six months before they introduced Steve to Julie’s daughter.

“My daughter’s opinion was important, being that she was the most important person in my life,” said Julie. “It was a big deal that she approve of this new relationship. I didn’t want to introduce my daughter to Steve until we knew that this was something ‘real.’”

They married a year after re-discovering each other on that rafting trip, and now have a son, too.

The effect of the arrival of a new child

Paul and Barbara also have a son together, and Paul attributes the birth of this baby boy to bringing him even closer to his adopted daughters.

“Our son came along and that was the next big stepping stone to being a better father to our kids,” he said. "A light came on when I had my son and I knew that this is the love you should have for each of the kids. Until nature kicks in, there’s a learning curve for such a young man. With God in our lives, we all blended together as a family knitted together with love.”

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