Community Corner

Moms Open Up About Feelings of Isolation

Most new moms know the terrible sense of isolation that can arise from the abrupt arrival of a new soul in her home, one who needs of all of her time and energy, 24/7. What helps?

Amanda Sanders, a new member of Patch's Moms Council, gives voice to a universal struggle shared by American women with a newborn in the home. 

After all, even if there isn't post-partum depression, there's exhaustion.  Mom's body is on demand 24/7, her social life is greatly curtailed or gone altogether, and baby has yet to settle in to a new routine outside the womb.

In some cases, family members who would love to help out may live too far away, and relationships with neighbors may not be close.

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It's a recipe for a strange and sometimes terrible sense of isolation.

We asked Amanda and the other moms who newly joined our council: What advice, encouragement or perspective can you offer to new moms trying to cope with feelings of isolation?

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All of them gave some variation of this advice:

  1. Reach out and express yourself, even if you don't feel like it.
  2. Step outdoors for fresh air and take every opportunity for sleep, even if it's just for 15 minutes. Don't turn down offers of help.
  3. Hang in there, because this too shall pass. And most of all, remember that you aren't alone. In fact, you are a member of a longstanding majority.

Here's what our Moms Council said, starting with Amanda, whose daughters are now 8 and 11. She works at the East Bay Regional Park District and is pursuing a college degree in recreation.

Amanda Sanders

"When my first daughter Zoie was born I struggled terribly adjusting to being at home alone with her all day long," Amanda confided. "I remember calling my husband crying and sobbing, begging him to leave work early to come help me.

"I didn’t know anyone who had children, let alone a baby, and I had no idea that other moms experienced the same frustrations and trials that I was feeling.

"If you are struggling as I did, take a deep breath, and know that your feelings are very normal and are commonly felt among new mothers.

"One thing that made a huge difference in that first year was finding out about the Castro Valley Mothers' Club. Once I joined, I connected with other moms who had similar-aged babies. Together we formed a playgroup and met weekly to let our babies drool on each other, and more importantly talked about our trials as new mommies.

"Almost twelve years later, I am still great friends with two of my fellow playgroup moms and my daughter is best friends with one of the children.

"My suggestion to help in this adjustment period of becoming a mom is to surround yourself with other new moms. In sharing your experiences with them you will find common ground, acceptance, and hopefully laughter and friendship," Amanda said.

Sara Raymonds

Sara Raymonds, a family law attorney who gave birth to her second son on Monday, agrees that joining a mothers' group was life-changing. She joined a group sponsored by lactation consultants at the hospital where her now-3-year-old was born.

"It got me out of the house on a regular basis, gave me a space to vent and cry when I was feeling overwhelmed or nervous (and a place to celebrate those small victories like sleeping through the night), gave me social interaction with other adults, and gave me some new friends who have become friends for life."

She recommends short trips out, even if only to a coffee shop. "In those early months, trips to places like the zoo will probably be more interesting for the mother than for the baby, but developing a habit of getting out of the house has been key to my personal happiness," she said.

Sara found that some friends, in kindness, wanted to give her space and worried about disrupting her new family life. "Reach out," she said. "Make phone calls, send email, make plans to see the people you love and who love you." 

"Those early months can be really, really challenging, scary, and lonely," Sara said. "Remember that they will pass and as they do, things get easier, more fun, less exhausting, and more interactive.  Taking care of a newborn is no joke—it is hard work, but it really does get easier as time goes by."  

She emphasizes the importance of seeking help. "If you do feel like you are veering into post-partum depression, seek help. Don't wait. PPD is a condition that requires treatment, and once treated, will lift. Even if you aren't suffering from PPD, if things around the house just feel too overwhelming, call in outside help for a little while to help with chores like laundry, yard work, and cleaning.

"Little things like this can really make a huge difference is how you are feeling about your relationship with the rest of the world," Sara said. 

Michelle Hall

"You're not alone!" says Michelle Hall, a real estate agent whose son, 8, has speech and auditory processing difficulties. "There is always at least one other person on this planet that feels the exact same way you do. Usually, they are not that far away. 

"You may have your relatives who—if you just let them know what's going on, even if they can't help themselves—may be able to point you in the direction of someone who can." 

She advises having faith, even when no solution appears in sight, because "a friend of a friend of a friend" may very well become your new best friend.

"Just to speak up," Michelle said. "You never know who's listening."

Yvonne Lee

"Try hard to get some sleep/rest whenever you can," said Yvonne Lee, the mother of a daughter, 6, and sons, 4 and 2. "This can really be hard when you already have another little one, but even 15 minutes can really help to boost your spirits and give you a little more energy.

"My second advice is to try to get out of the house to get some fresh air," said Yvonne, whose home business, Balance Bikes 4 Tots, offers bicycles that children as young as 18 months old can ride, without training wheels.

"Sometimes, even a walk around the block or a quick trip to the grocery store can help clear your head and give you a change of scenery," she said.

"Also, if someone volunteers to help you (like cooking a meal, running errands), don't turn them down. Now is the time to be willing to receive help. 

"This period of exhaustion and craziness does get better as time passes," Yvonne reassures.


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